The Devil Wears Nada
by Saint Eric
Summary: Example fic for the St. Eric contest. See how Eric gains his Sainthood. Bask in the magnificence!


_Disclaimer: All creative rights belong to Charlaine Harris. Stereotypes and memes belong to the community - I don't think she wants them._

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To become a Saint you must achieve three miracles. Whether the miracle be stigmata, healing the sick, seeing the mother of God, or say... putting up with an infuriating woman, it only takes three to make thee a Saint. Thus leads to the Sainthood of one Mr. Eric Northman.

Miracle One: Rose from the dead. I mean, that in and of itself is pretty freaking impressive. Sure, he cheated a bit by stealing the blood of the living to use as a life source and by not 'technically' being alive, but um walking dead, hello impressive.

Miracle Two: Jesus sweat blood while on the cross... Eric Northman cries tears of blood. You don't see them often, being that he's such a big strong manly vampire, but when you do blood flows from his eyes. Truly miraculous. Truly touching. Truly truly.

After a thousand years plus of nothing more, no big changes, Eric began to worry he would not complete his task, he would not find a third miracle to complete his requirements for Sainthood. That was until the fateful night Bill Compton walked into his bar with the charity case that was sure to get him up there with Saint Francis of Assisi and Saint Christopher. He'd be worn on the medals of praying men everywhere in no time.

Of course she was alright looking, if he ignored the bad clothes and exaggerated accent, she was something he thought he could work with. He knew the moment he talked to her he was going to have to take his time with this one. She had fire, spunk and independence. It was going to take a miracle to break her.

Cut to some years later.

He'd done everything he could. He'd seduced, he'd wooed, he'd romanced... he even went as far as marrying her. Okay, it wasn't legal marriage, but it was marriage in his world, but still the sainthood evaded him.

He was driving from his normal Thursday night activity of reading to the orphans in Shreveport orphanage when he had to pull over to the side of the road and shed a few of those miraculous bloody tears. You see, he was on his way to visit his wife, the woman he had bonded himself to. Most men would go home to see their wife. Not Eric. Eric's wife insisted on living in her own home. Eric's wife insisted on keeping her (gag) job. He calmed himself by counting the cash in his wallet. 4,600. 4,700. 4,800. 4,900. 5,000. With a deep calming unnecessary breath and a quick shift to his permaboner he pulled back onto the road.

Pulling into Merlotte's parking lot he gripped the steering wheel hard. He was feeling his wife's feelings. The nagging, human, and usually PMSing feelings that infiltrated his existence since the bonding he did in order to protect her. With no thanks, might I add. She was annoyed and he knew before he even stepped onto the gravel and checked out his own ass in his reflection on the car.

"Looking good." He winked at his own ass, gave it a pat and started his way inside. His long stork legs getting him inside in half the time it would take anyone else without even using his vampire speed. Amazing yes, miraculous, no.

Eric felt Sookie's glare as he strutted inside the small tacky bar. He was always beautiful and she hated him for it, he could feel it. She was sweaty, a little smelly, and covered in grease from hauling disgusting human food all day. He could also smell the fries she had eaten earlier slowly festering in her stomach acid. If he were human he'd barf. Then again, if he were human he wouldn't have the spectacular vamp smelling powers that allowed him to smell things like virginity, pregnancy, and when she was amazingly turned on.

He pushed away a grimace and turned it into a sparkling smile.

"My lover." He walked up to her where she stood at the bar with one of her redneck friends. He leaned down and kissed her cheek, but only because she turned her head at the last second.

She whispered as she blushed, "Eric, hush now." She was unhappy with the use of the pet name he had bestowed upon her. Bitch.

"Are you almost finished..." he swallowed some blood that was finding it's way up his throat, "working?"

She nodded, smiled, and patted on of the bar stools. "Why don't you sit down? I'll grab you a True Blood while I finish up my tables." He did as she asked, gritting his teeth as he thought of drinking a True Blood.

"Yes, my lover." He answered as he sat, holding back a grin as he watched her blush again at her nickname. She made her offer good, placing a bottle of fake blood in front of him and swaying her hips on her way to her tables. He watched closely, thinking about her naked, one of the pluses to his time with her. He was so busy watching her soft curves he didn't get a chance to cover the seat next to him before Bill Compton sat down.

"Eric." He said in his over exaggerated Southern Accent. Either he watched _Gone with the Wind _every night to keep up the thing or he was so socially retarded he would never assimilate into modern times. Eric was a great vampire. He found a way to fit in. He wasn't walking around throwing fish in the air talking like the Swedish Muppet America had so kindly adopted to represent his homeland. _Börk, börk, börk!_Eric thought with a smirk.

"Bill." He stared down at the True Blood he held in his hands, not bothering to look at his greasy haired competition. He nearly snorted as the word competition crossed his mind. As if the short, boring, mainstreaming vampire stood a chance against him, Eric the Mother Fucking Viking Northman.

"I see you are still keeping close tabs on Sookie." Bill commented as he took a swig of his own bottle of blood. "Don't you have a business to run and an area to sheriff?" It was true he was busy, but Ms. Stackhouse had a reputation for almost getting herself killed. Her dying was not going earn him a place on the list of saints.

"What I do with my wife is none of your business." he didn't bother looking at Bill or hiding his smirk as he rubbed it in Bill's face who Sookie really belonged to.

"She would not be your wife had you not tricked her into it." Bill shot back with his own smirk.

"Trust me Bill, you don't wear smug as well as I do. You should probably stick to sniveling." Eric took a sip of the O negative Sookie had given him. Before Bill could reply Sookie was back.

"I'm ready." She smiled at Eric and then at Bill. "Hey there, Bill." She was an idiot for talking to him. Doesn't she know that he's the one who took advantage of her, stole her virginity, raped her and nearly drained her in the trunk of a car? Doesn't she know? Bill is always the bad guy, Bill is always the enemy, Bill is to be hated at all times.

"Sookie." He nodded deeply. Eric imagined if Bill had been human he would have blushed like a schoolgirl at Sookie's attention.

"Bill, always a pleasure." Eric sneered at Bill, as he stood more than ready to exit the building. "You said you were ready to leave, my lover." He emphasized calling Sookie his lover when Bill was around. The banshee rolled her eyes at him and wandered into the back to get her pocketbook and probably lick the shifter's face goodbye.

"Bye Sam!" She yelled behind her as she finally joined Eric, ready to leave. Eric sniffed the air, he could smell that the shifter had hugged her and he wasn't pleased, but he would look past it, this time. He escorted Sookie outside and towards his car only to have her pull away from him. "I drove myself." She said as she started towards the other side of the dingy building. He centered himself, convincing himself that he could be patient... patienter... patientest, before following behind. She approached her crappy car with dignity.

"Lover, please let me buy you a new car." He just about begged her. A new car would be safer for her and it would make him look good. His wife, his human showing up anywhere in the rust bucket she was driving was more of an embarrassment to him then the satin t-shirts she had purchased for him and forced him to wear.

"Eric," the banshee screeched, "you know I don't want to be a kept woman." Eric envisioned his woman locked up in a cage like a beautiful pet. He looked down whispering to "Big Eric" to calm down it wasn't going to happen... yet.

"Sookie, I have the money, you're mine, you need to let me take care of you" He bit the inside of his cheek and tried his hardest to smile.

"I can take care of myself," She turned to him as they reached her car, she stepped up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek like the whore she was, "but thank you." Eric rolled his almost saintly eyes as she kissed him.

"Very well, my lover, but someday you will let me take care of you." He opened her door for her and she slipped inside.

"Meet me at my house?" She looked up at him with her devil eyes wide and innocent. Succubus. Eric nodded and shut her door, waiting until she drove away she make his way back to the 'Vette and start to her farmhouse.

He used the drive to think some more. Thinking was something Eric had spent a lot of time doing over the last 1000 plus years. It had made him one of the most brilliant, prolific, cunning thinkers in the world. What was it about this girl that would make him a Saint? He had thought it was to save her from poverty, but she would have none of that. Perhaps it was to have her know pure pleasure, but he had done that - over and over and over again with no halo appearing above his head.

Eric's mind cleared and his vision turned red when he pulled up to his woman's home. She was mid-conversation with a certain furry friend of hers... or ex-furry friend. Eric got out of the car and sauntered over to where Sookie was throwing herself at Quinn with no shame.

"Quinn, I told you I'm with Eric now." She was practically drooling on him. Eric's fists balled at his sides as he tried to keep from killing things.

"Speak of the Devil, babe." Quinn looked past Sookie and to Eric. "Hey, Frosty. How's it hanging?" Eric squinted his eyes at the Tiger. He knew for a fact that Eric never hung, he stood tall and proud at all times. Eric adjusted his permaboner with a wink at Quinn to remind him.

Sookie looked back and forth between the men with an odd look on her face before focusing her attention on Quinn again. "Like I said I'm with Eric now and I think you should leave." Eric's nostrils flared as he watched his wife practically give Quinn a lap dance.

"Babe, this guy is a killer and a womanizer." That was a blatant lie; Eric didn't only "ize" women. He smirked at Quinn over Sookie's shoulder. "Just last week I saw him..." Quinn didn't finish his sentence. Eric reached over Sookie's head and snapped Quinn's neck. Sookie screamed as Quinn's body went limp and fell to the ground.

"Eric!" She screamed and ran towards the house, away from the vampire she was screaming at. "You killed him!" Eric could smell the tears in her eyes, she was so happy she was crying.

"No worry, my lover, it was nothing." Eric kicked the body on the ground, only lifting his head when he heard Sookie's back door slam shut. He walked with purpose to the door only to be met by a magical barrier keeping him out. "Sookie!" He yelled, "Someone has blocked my entrance! I think you're in danger come out here!" She didn't answer and he feared the worse. He may have lost his chance at Sainthood to whatever was in the house with Sookie.

The sound of a car approaching made him turn to the main road where he saw the smelly dog Sookie worked for driving down the road. It took his attention long enough for Bill "The Rapist" Compton to sneak up on him.

"You actually lost it, Eric." Bill looked down at Quinn's dead body.

"If you are speaking of Sookie, I have not, she is in the house and someone is blocking my entry." Eric stalked closer to the greasy haired vampire. "Do you have something to do with this?"

Bill laughed maniacally, "She rescinded your invitation."

Eric scoffed, "You are mistaking me with you. You are the one she fears, the one she hates. I am the hero." He stood before Bill, looking down on the tiny vampire.

"Hero?" Bill sneered up at Eric, "You've lost your mind." Eric gripped Bill's neck, lifting him off of his feet.

"BILL!" the hysterically happy woman screamed from the doorway.

"You wish me to end him as well, my lover?" He spoke loudly without taking his eyes off of Bill's. Bill's eyes bugged out of his head. Eric could here Sam's car pull up and shut off. The creaky truck door opened and closed again.

"Sam!" Sookie screamed again. She apparently was bringing all her former lovers to the table to him on a silver platter.

"Planning something, Fido?" Eric asked without sparing Sam a glance.

"Not a thing." Sam walked by where Eric held a whining Bill in the air and walked up to the door.

"You can't get in, someone's locked her in there." Eric explained as he watched Sam enter the house. "It must be a spell only for me," Eric thought aloud, "or it was Sam who did it."

"Eric," Bill tried to get his attention, "She rescinded your invitation." Eric looked up at the bad imitation Rhett Butler. Eric rolled his eyes put Bill back on his feet and swiftly relieved his body of his head. His vampire body turned to dust, a pile of goo, slowly burned away, and every other thing a vampire body does when finally killed.

"Bill!" Sookie screamed with joy as she ran from the house and to the burning, dusty, gooey body on the ground.

"Sookie!" Sam followed after her, putting himself between her and Eric. "Eric, get out of here!"

"You dare try and take what is mine?" He stared down the shifter.

Sookie jumped up and ran to stand between them, placing a gentle claw on Eric's stomach. "Eric, honey, please..." She knew how much he hated those cutesy little pet names. He pushed her out of the way focusing his hate on Sam. Sam, to his honor, didn't back down. He met Eric's fist head on, unlike Bill. Eric watched as he lost his balance and landed on his ass.

"She is mine." Eric growled as he put his hand through Sam's chest and grabbed a hold of his heart. Sam's eyes went wide. Eric's heart grew three sizes as he touched Sam's heart, but that wasn't enough, he wasn't the Grinch after all. "It's been real." He smiled as he pulled the small heart out of the man's chest and flung it behind him. It hit one of his lover's chimes and they rang out. Eric thought to himself, _Every time a bell rings..., _but he wasn't an angel either. His lover crumbled from happiness as the shell of the man she had worked for fell to the ground.

"Anymore?" He asked as he wiped the blood off of his hand and onto his pant leg.

Sookie's response was only a sob. He could feel his sainthood coming, it was close. He picked his lover off the ground with his blood soaked hands and carried her kicking and screaming to his car, where he placed her gently in the trunk.

"I know you're excited, Sookie, but I need to you to stay calm." He shut the trunk and climbed into the drivers seat, blasting music over the wails of the woman he was saving. When he reached one of his many homes, he pulled into the garage walking to the back of the car to let out his woman. He could hear her mumbling before he even opened it.

She screamed when the trunk popped open suddenly. "Eric!"

"I knew I was forgetting to kill someone." He took the phone from her and crushed it in his hand. "Would you like to come find Alcide with me or would you like to turn in for the night?" He was always the gentleman, thinking of her needs. When she just cried he decided she needed some rest. He picked her up out of the car, slung her over his shoulder and headed for his light tight bedroom. He tossed her onto the bed, removing her clothes despite her protest. She apparently didn't want him to strain himself before he went to kill his final adversary.

When he completed disrobing her, he latched cuffs around her ankles and wrists to make sure she didn't come to harm while he was out.

"Eric, please..." she begged. He liked when she begged. When she did it he felt a shimmer above his head and he knew he was on the right track.

"Yes, lover?" He started to undo his belt knowing what it was she had to be begging for. She clamped her eyes shut as he stripped, his beauty too great for her sad human eyes.

"Please, don't kill anyone else." Her voice was a whisper, not the powerful overbearingly strong willed voice that usually screeched from her lips. "I'll do anything you want...just..." she stammered pathetically, "just please, don't kill anyone else."

Eric strutted to the bed that held her, "Anything?" He asked with a smile.

She sobbed, "Anything."

"Will you give up working, move into my home, be my woman in any way I want you to?" She nodded, her eyes still shut. "Will you let me turn you when I wish to do so?" she let out a sob, he squeezed her breast harshly, "You're almost ripe, but not just yet." He grinned as she nodded in agreement.

He jumped on top of her and quickly entered her. A bright flash of light filled the room and a loud voice boomed around them.

"Eric _fake last name_ Northman!" It bellowed. "We have been watching you closely. You have been weighed, measured, and found worthy. Congratulations..." The voice paused dramatically, "Saint Eric of the Norsemen, the saint of breaking women, driving fast, and looking good." A halo appeared over Eric's head and a metal adorned his chest, his own image upon it. Miraculous tears of joy sprung from his eyes, dripping onto his lover as he celebrated his Sainthood the good old fashion way... by sexing up his woman.

..*..*..*..*..*..*..

Right before sunrise and thirty two orgasms later...

Eric, stretched and pulled himself from Sookie's frail body. She had been released from her bonds 14 orgasms in when she proclaimed her undying love for the vampire, her lover, her Saint. She laid across his chest as he lie back on the pillows.

"Thank you." She blushed and leaned up to kiss his jaw.

"For what, my lover?" He stroked her hair gently, wondering if he could go another round before the sun rose for the day.

"For saving me and killing everyone." She smiled. "Maybe I'll go take care of Alcide before you rise this evening." Her eyes sparkled and she leaned down to kiss the metal that was placed on Eric's chest.

"You will do no such thing." Eric chastised her, then smiled. "We'll do it together."

"Oh Eric." She swooned and jumped on top of him, determined to have him just one more time, whether the sun rose on them or not.

He died for the day, she finished...lucky number 33.

And they lived, and unlived... happily ever after.


End file.
